The tunnel I had to travel through was dark, but I found the light... writing has always been a safe space for my healing! I'm grateful!

 

When the lights go out…

That loneliness and worry creeps in…

That darkness fills my soul…

The guilt, the shame, the pain and the doubt, slowly but surely makes their way out.

The tears are so loud yet there is no noise about…

You stare meaningless at the ones you love

who are oblivious to your feelings of not being enough…

Every night the same, as tears slowly fill your eyes

and you try to put yourself to sleep to avoid this terrible feeling inside.

As your mind races a million miles an hour

The thousand voices in your head just get louder and louder!

You are a failure! No one likes you!

No one cares and they are all talking about you!

The voices just seem so near!!!

There’s only one way out… This I know without a doubt

I’m looking at this little beautiful being sleeping peacefully at my side,

He depends so much on his Mama, how unfair to him would it be if I died?

I'm trying so hard my baby, Mama just hasn’t been feeling well lately.

The pressures and struggles of life seem so much heavier in the dark of night.

Until the light appears again, nothing in this darkness for me feels right.

But how much more can I take? and how much longer can I hold on for my kids’ sake?

My honey I love, you are a good man! 

If only you knew the pain and battles your wife is trying to withstand.  

You love me, I see you, I’m so grateful for all that you do 

but this battle is taking over me inside and I’m not sure there is anything you can do.

My heart is aching, my body is weak, I’m crying out yet I can’t even speak.

Bad thoughts fill my mind as this darkness slowly kills me inside.

Kept so much inside and all I can do is cry, too scared to open up! 

This darkness is just so quiet and lonely, yet so crowded and piercingly loud…

There’s no way through it, just a quick way out!

T.U.D